Thanks Twitter for the #FakeLoveFacts Hashtag trend. I’d say I feel much better, but that’s not true. But it did distract me for a little bit, so that’s good.
I do talk about other things on Twitter, (cough! #Resist #TheWalkingDead) really, you can click, you know, like, if you really, really wanted to. I’m going to go finish of that quart of chocolate ice cream while you do.
Today I had to be reminded “to take a deep breath” and also “to Just calm down”. I was – once again – letting my girly, hormonally enhanced, totally random and irrational emotions take over my Little Lady brain, thankfully there was a man there to mansplain to me that there wasn’t any need to have any of those yucky emotions, otherwise I might have made an even bigger fool of myself.
Like I said Thank God For MEN.
For men who mansplain why my feelings or thoughts are actually not things that we should spend time talking about, I mean ever. Who has time for all that silly woman thinking? Not men who understand exactly how the world works, that’s for sure.
For men who remind me that when I cuss I don’t sound like a lady, and we all know more than anything I want to be a motherfucking lady, so I am eternally grateful for those men (and enlightened women) who have spent my life reminding, and re-reminding me what is becoming behavior for a lady.
Thanks to the enlightened man in my life I have come up with a self improvement list. A list that will better help be behave in a more lady-like manner, need fewer things mansplained to me, and to not let my silly girl emotions take over my thinking.
How To Be More Lady-Like
Be eloquent and able to carry a conversation when a man lets you speak.
Don’t use profanity, overeat or drink excessively, especially in front of a man. Being a lady requires having self-control and will power, and each of these activities is an example of overindulgence, and it’s what lazy fat cows do, not ladies.
Be well-read and stay up-to-date on the current events of the world, so when a man talks you know just when to nod your head in agreement and when to furrow your brow in concern.
Stay calm, cool, and collected. Avoiding lashing out at others if you are annoyed, angry, or upset. Always remain poised, and handle the situation rationally and calmly. The men in your life will appreciate this.
A lady knows when to say no – politely, and also understands in situations with men “no can mean more beer/wine/charm/rape drugs”, or “no really means yes, so why are we wasting a man’s valuable time?”, basically no means what the man you’re with says it does.
Say please and thank you to the men in your life. While this may sound like an etiquette cliché, forgetting to say these things (even by accident) will not go unnoticed, and comes across as very rude, and we simply can’t afford to be anything but polite.
Say thank you anytime a man does you a favour, however big or small, even if it was a favour you didn’t ask for like telling you how nice your ass looks sweetheart, or great rack; it will show him that you appreciated his thoughtfulness.
Have good posture. Standing and sitting up straight are signs of a true lady. As an added bonus, having good posture is better for your back, will help strengthen up your core, and make your breasts look bigger (surgery is always a handy option should your breasts not be large enough, or your stomach too large).
When talking to a man, give him your undivided attention. It is polite, and will make for a more stimulating conversation for you to nod and listen to.
Never interrupt or talk over a man. This will place the man in the uncomfortable position of having to mansplain something to you yet again.
Be charming. A true lady doesn’t just sit there quietly and let the world pass by. Engage with men, listen politely to their stimulating conversations, and be a subtle flirt.
If you don’t know how to be charming, start off by smiling more at men when you listen to them, and compliment them more. Make your compliments personal; for example, instead of simply thanking a man for mansplaining a difficult topic to you, like how stupid and irritating your Little Lady brain thoughts are, also tell him that he has a dizzying intellect, and huge hands.
Dress elegantly. This means dressing appropriately for the occasion, your body type, and your age. Use your best judgment to determine what clothes are most appropriate for you.
Don’t try to squeeze into clothes that don’t fit you, that’s slutty and “asking for it” and you’ll deserve what you get.
Consider a simple dress over pants. While there’s nothing wrong with wearing pants, dresses and skirts bring out your femininity and show off your curves better than pants do, and remember we are here to entertain men.
Highlight your cleavage if you have large breasts, get surgery if you do not, but don’t be slutty, a lady knows the difference between attractively arranging herself to please a man, and being a cock tease.
Choose trousers over jeans when possible. When you do wear jeans, be sure that they are not torn or otherwise destroyed, unless that is something your man enjoys. Always think first what you man would like and dress accordingly.
Don’t wear sweatpants or baggy t-shirts unless you are at the gym or exercising, and even then consider if you have the body type that men like to see at the gym when they are working out. Wearing these around all day suggests that you pay very little attention to your physical appearance. Tight yoga pants can be the exception, but only if a man thinks your ass looks great in them.
When in doubt about how to act, dress, speak, or think check with a man, who will give you all the guidance you need to be a proper lady.