Tag Archives: bitches get stuff done

Nov10

And One F@cking Leg Corset

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And One F@cking Leg Corset

It had snowed and I couldn’t get my foot into my boot because of the fucking leg corset.

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Boots

That’s how yesterday started. It finished with a $2,025 puncture in each hip and chakra workshop. Just a regular Friday.

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You would think if I was going to pay someone over $4,000, pull my pants down, and let them take pictures and a video I would have walked away with something rather exciting and completely unsuitable for this family-friendly blog. I’m not completely ruling out such experiences, but that’s another post.

 

Snow
Yep, snow.

So. Yesterday was approximately 4years in the making. It started with our hero as a fearless badass yoga teacher, it involved:

    • Twelve Burly ER dudes
    • Eleven ER visits
    • Ten Shots of Fentanyl
    • Nine Thousand Needles
    • Eight Hundred X-Rays
    • Seven Special Lawyers
    • Six Ortho Surgeons
    • FIVE Ambulance Rides (with Hip dislocations)
    • Four Pitiless PTs
    • Three Sets of Crutches
    • Two Chiropractors
    • And One Fucking Leg Corset

 

I know, now you’ve got a Christmas song stuck in your head. Sorry. Who am I kidding? Totally not, sorry, cuz it’s kinda catchy. You’re welcome.

The story is not over, but our hero through it all remained a Badass yoga teacher and also managed to complete a 500Hour Yoga Teacher Training, a Personal Training Certification, a Life Coaching Certification, a Trauma-Informed Yoga Training, Mother Fucking Firewalked with Tony Robbins, started teaching in Cook County Jail (occasionally on crutches with aforementioned fucking leg corset), got sacked 1.5 times, hired 10+ times, broke up 5x, got back together 4x, and continues to have fabulous adventures and hang with a bodacious bunch of Badasses.

 

Wings
This kid
Bones, for the win
Fancy clothes
These students
Actually teaching
Sidekick
I got this
THESE students
The Jail
F@cking Leg Corset

There’s more, so much more, so you’ll have to stay tuned if you want to hear about the Mustang Convertible in Arizona, Osteostrong, Several Sets of Wings, Art, Truffle fries and Hamilton.

Till then, Namaste (bitches).

 

 

Mar16

Bitches get stuff done

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screenshot_2015-12-20-12-55-38-01.jpegThis morning I poured, plopped actually, chunky milk on my cereal. Well yum.

This was before coffee.  Thankfully I make my coffee with butter and coconut oil.

Chunky, plopping, smelly milk because my refrigerator was warm. It was also quite full of science experiments I had been pointedly avoiding, but all seemed to be thriving under the new warmer climate.  My fridge, a microcosm of global warming, without the polar bears.

img_20151230_162144.jpgEnter YouTube. After coffee. Seriously, I do have priorities.  I Googled “what to do with a warm fridge, cold freezer” and there was a very helpful video.  I love YouTube. First I had to deal with the long forgotten “Back There” section of the fridge which by the time I got to it had it’s own blossoming ecological structure and a rudimentary the_walking_bread_tshirtgovernment established. Being the good Imperialist that I am, I decimated their ecosystem, laid bare all their fertile grounds and ran their leaders through the garbage disposal. I renamed their sacred ground ‘mustards and other condiments’ and installed my beloved Pesto as their new leader. I plan to rule with a fierce and occasionally forgetful benevolence.

Three YouTube videos, including ‘how to get that goddamn shelf out of your freezer’ (yes there is a video), several tools that I called Thingy 1, 2 and 3, and one curly-girl hairdryer (it’s what I have, what can I say?) later there was definite  progress. Twenty attempts to get one wire shelf out of a freezer. Twenty. If you ever need a shelf removed in your freezer, I am your handyman.  A friend aptly described my heroic and epic efforts Apollo 13 level McGyveing, which they were, but so much more. Apollo 13 had NASA, I just had YouTube and the trauma of milk chunks to get me through.

There may or may not have been a perfectly preserved house fly in the frozen freezer coils, who may, or may not have had a role in the blossoming ecological system’s rudimentary government, and possibly was so frozen he was singing Let it Go. I cannot comment any further on this, and even though I’m Canadian, I’m taking the 5th here. Don’t ask me about this, and we will never speak of it again.

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fecking LASAR beam 

In the end I prevailed and now have a spotlessly clean and refreshingly cold refrigerator. I also had a garbage bag of paper towels and tragically discarded ecological systems, a load of soaking wet smelly tea towels, and a completely full recycling bin.

Oh, and I forgot to buy milk.