My Homemade Valentines
Yes, I remain as curmudgeonly as ever this time of year.
Dear Cupid (1)
I wanted to personally(2) thank you for all
the joy(3) you have brought into my life(4)
thus far. My high school years were
especially full(5) of your special touch with
an arrow(6). As I grew and matured(7) I came to
realize the unique role(8) that you would play
in my life(9). Every step I took you were
there(10). I have certainly been blessed(11) by
your love(12). It is at this wonderful(13) time
of the year that I really feel closest to you(14).
So for all(15) you have done(16) I want to express
my gratitude(17) properly(18). With a kiss(19).
Yours with Love(20)
(1) You cruel naked jerk
(2) and I mean up close and personal
(3) and by joy I mean years and years of personal anguish
(4) if you could call it that
(5) full of scatological moments
(6) were you aiming for my forehead?!
(7) tried desperately to out run you – you grotty little louse
(8) of my personal tormentor
(9) of pain and turmoil
(10) shooting arrows in my back
(11) I didn’t know beelzebub did blessings
(12) love of inflicting acute mental and physical pain
(13) commercially forced sentimental pink drivel
(14) hard to miss you with this sharp arrow in my throat – you foul bastard!
(15) Every last agonizing…
(16) each and every arrow through my head, my back…
(17) I got my own cross-bow
(18) so I would watch your spiteful nude butt
(19) would you like to know where?
(20) I would Love to snap your little “bow” in half
I’m with Zefrank here, relationship apocalypse. Yes or No?
This year it’s a No, my awesomeness can be a lot to handle.
Things I have learned lately and not so lately
Topic 1: Not Remotely Zen and the Art of Automotive Maintenance
- Be wary of Google maps when they suggest a ‘faster route’ to your swanky restaurant date with your daughters (one cooking for you, one eating with you).
- Faster routes in Google maps can mean potholes the size of large bowling balls.
- Potholes the size of large bowling balls can mean tire blowouts/flats in questionable parts of Chicago at night.
- When changing a post pothole the size of a large bowling ball tire in questionable parts of Chicago at night be sure to turn your car lights off so the battery doesn’t get drained.
- When changing a tire at night in a questionable part of Chicago saying ‘Ok Google turn on flashlight’ to your phone works better that ‘Ok Google where the fuck is the flashlight?’ – the second will have Google autocorrect ‘fuck’ to ‘phone your ex who told you to stop swearing so much’ and no good will come from THAT conversation.
- When flat tires won’t come off even though you’ve removed all the goddamn lugnuts and pulled as hard as you can, you can try calling AAA, and you can try the police to help – because questionable area – but do not try this on the night the Cubs get into the World’s Series, because all of the police are at Wrigleyville and not in your questionable part of Chicago.
- When flat tires won’t come off, even though you’ve done every bloody thing correctly and you’re going to be late to your reservation using ‘Very Loud Creative Swears’ whilst yanking on the motherf’ing tire will, in fact remove the flat tire and send you a few feet back with a filthy tire on your trendy, I’m going to a swanky restaurant outfit and your ass on the equally filthy roadside, but you won’t care, because pulling that motherf’cker off was extremely satisfying.
- Once a goddamn flat tire is finally off the car, two motivated women can get a spare tire on in less than two minutes because Bitches Get Stuff Done and there was a swanky restaurant waiting for us.
- And just in case handling a flat Like A Boss wasn’t satisfying enough, the Chef comes out to greet us personally and gives us a tour of the kitchens because besides being cool and badasses, we also love eating exceptional food.
Topic 2: Dating or Dr. Really Strangelove and How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
- Never date musicians
- No good has ever come from dating a musician, so when screening potential dates ask first if they can play an instrument.
- Playing piano might be okay, but plays electric guitar in a band is RIGHT out – do not walk, RUN away.
- Never date Scorpios
- I’m certain there are some very lovely Scorpio men out there, but do not date them. Scorpio in any part of their chart, just to be safe. Scorpio Moons especially no.
- No more Latino men – no, no, no, no, and Hell no. Write this down, because apparently this is a smooth spot in your brain – NO Latino men. Mexican, Peruvian, Ecuadorian, Spanish doesn’t manner, don’t do it. It will never end well.
- Catholic Latino men who adore their mother. Just don’t. You can’t even. You will never ever even. You will be switched from Madonna to Whore and back so many times you will get whiplash. You will swear too much, smile too little, never cook as well, be respected too much or way too little. You will never be good enough. This is a fact, at least for you, it is a fact. For the love of your remaining sanity and shattered ego, don’t go there.
- Scorpio Latino Musician? Run.
- Never date Irishmen, especially if they’re poets. No good ever came from dating an Irish poet. Write that down in your journal till you remember it.
- Basically dating is a bad idea. Dating will invariably lead to adding another category to the list of men you are never to date again.
- You might think being a yoga teacher with long curly hair would attract suitable men to date, it does not. It does however, attract all manner of suggestions regarding flexibility and comments about anatomy.
Topic 3: Approaching Interesting Men with Beards in restaurants
- DO IT. They could turn out to be a really cool band and invite you to come do yoga with them and go to their gigs
- Do not date them – see above. Hang with them, do yoga with them, be generally be cool around them.
Topic 4: Retail / Food therapy or Eat, Read, Love
- Buy the sweater, it will be warm and soft and gorgeous, feel like a hug and it will never judge you, tell you to smile more or to be more ladylike.
- Buy the book(s), they will be interesting, expand your thinking and always there for you and will never ignore you when you need them most.
- Buy infinity scarf with e.e. cumming’s poetry i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) all over it because poetry that some men write is so much better than most men.
- Reread Neruda, because poetry… so much better than actual men.
- Buy the fingerless gloves with that section from Wuthering Heights that you love because well-written words, so much better than…. men.
- Buy dessert, eat it whenever the fuck you want, and love every moment of eating it, because life is short and often needs chocolate. Also chocolate never judges you, ever.
- Movies – Go to them. Find a friend, go alone. Put butter on your popcorn, eat it all. Movies where the creeptastic man meets a very satisfying end are especially good.
Also, yoga. Do some yoga, get sweaty, fall on your ass, get up again. Repeat.
moments before a less than graceful landing
Thank god for men.
I mean really, really.
Today I had to be reminded “to take a deep breath” and also “to Just calm down”. I was – once again – letting my girly, hormonally enhanced, totally random and irrational emotions take over my Little Lady brain, thankfully there was a man there to mansplain to me that there wasn’t any need to have any of those yucky emotions, otherwise I might have made an even bigger fool of myself.
Like I said Thank God For MEN.
- For men who mansplain why my feelings or thoughts are actually not things that we should spend time talking about, I mean ever. Who has time for all that silly woman thinking? Not men who understand exactly how the world works, that’s for sure.
- For men who remind me that when I cuss I don’t sound like a lady, and we all know more than anything I want to be a motherfucking lady, so I am eternally grateful for those men (and enlightened women) who have spent my life reminding, and re-reminding me what is becoming behavior for a lady.
Thanks to the enlightened man in my life I have come up with a self improvement list. A list that will better help be behave in a more lady-like manner, need fewer things mansplained to me, and to not let my silly girl emotions take over my thinking.
How To Be More Lady-Like
- Be eloquent and able to carry a conversation when a man lets you speak.
- Don’t use profanity, overeat or drink excessively, especially in front of a man. Being a lady requires having self-control and will power, and each of these activities is an example of overindulgence, and it’s what lazy fat cows do, not ladies.
- Be well-read and stay up-to-date on the current events of the world, so when a man talks you know just when to nod your head in agreement and when to furrow your brow in concern.
- Stay calm, cool, and collected. Avoiding lashing out at others if you are annoyed, angry, or upset. Always remain poised, and handle the situation rationally and calmly. The men in your life will appreciate this.
- A lady knows when to say no – politely, and also understands in situations with men “no can mean more beer/wine/charm/rape drugs”, or “no really means yes, so why are we wasting a man’s valuable time?”, basically no means what the man you’re with says it does.
- Say please and thank you to the men in your life. While this may sound like an etiquette cliché, forgetting to say these things (even by accident) will not go unnoticed, and comes across as very rude, and we simply can’t afford to be anything but polite.
- Say thank you anytime a man does you a favour, however big or small, even if it was a favour you didn’t ask for like telling you how nice your ass looks sweetheart, or great rack; it will show him that you appreciated his thoughtfulness.
- Have good posture. Standing and sitting up straight are signs of a true lady. As an added bonus, having good posture is better for your back, will help strengthen up your core, and make your breasts look bigger (surgery is always a handy option should your breasts not be large enough, or your stomach too large).
- When talking to a man, give him your undivided attention. It is polite, and will make for a more stimulating conversation for you to nod and listen to.
- Never interrupt or talk over a man. This will place the man in the uncomfortable position of having to mansplain something to you yet again.
- Be charming. A true lady doesn’t just sit there quietly and let the world pass by. Engage with men, listen politely to their stimulating conversations, and be a subtle flirt.
- If you don’t know how to be charming, start off by smiling more at men when you listen to them, and compliment them more. Make your compliments personal; for example, instead of simply thanking a man for mansplaining a difficult topic to you, like how stupid and irritating your Little Lady brain thoughts are, also tell him that he has a dizzying intellect, and huge hands.
- Dress elegantly. This means dressing appropriately for the occasion, your body type, and your age. Use your best judgment to determine what clothes are most appropriate for you.
- Don’t try to squeeze into clothes that don’t fit you, that’s slutty and “asking for it” and you’ll deserve what you get.
- Consider a simple dress over pants. While there’s nothing wrong with wearing pants, dresses and skirts bring out your femininity and show off your curves better than pants do, and remember we are here to entertain men.
- Highlight your cleavage if you have large breasts, get surgery if you do not, but don’t be slutty, a lady knows the difference between attractively arranging herself to please a man, and being a cock tease.
- Choose trousers over jeans when possible. When you do wear jeans, be sure that they are not torn or otherwise destroyed, unless that is something your man enjoys. Always think first what you man would like and dress accordingly.
- Don’t wear sweatpants or baggy t-shirts unless you are at the gym or exercising, and even then consider if you have the body type that men like to see at the gym when they are working out. Wearing these around all day suggests that you pay very little attention to your physical appearance. Tight yoga pants can be the exception, but only if a man thinks your ass looks great in them.
When in doubt about how to act, dress, speak, or think check with a man, who will give you all the guidance you need to be a proper lady.