Tag Archives: labels

the post in which I swear. a Lot.

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images-20Last week I had a small issue with my garbage collection. It was actually more of a collect some of it, dump some of it on the street and leave most of it behind. Oh, and then drive over what was left behind making sure it was impossible to pull my car out without driving over it again. Let me tell you there is nothing I enjoy more than cleaning up garbage that I have already cleaned up right when I need to leave for work.

If only there was a way to actually express how that felt…..giphy-2

Well! Gee Willikers and Jiminey Cricket!!

Jeepers, somehow that just wasn’t satisfying, and wait, it’s also taking the Lord’s name in vain

gee willikers
a humorous or outdated extension of gee, which is a euphemism for Jesus.
Gee willikers, that wind’s a-blowin’!
#gee #geez #sheesh #jeepers

 

Holy filet of fuck-minion!

Feckin’ flesh-turd dropped stinking from the poxy arsehole of a hare-lipped harlot! 
– Christopher Moore

There, that’s a little better.

Once again I was told to stop swearing and to be  a  Lady by a man who uses fuck like a comma.

So, for all the well-intentioned people who have told me to act more lady-like, this badger-shagging spunk monkey of a fucking blog is just for you.

As The Vagenda’s Holly Baxter explained in the summer: “Women are routinely told to hold themselves back and pay special concern to their language. It’s a foundation for real misogyny.”

 

Some people will continue to believe that swear words are unladylike. Others will claim, like (Quentin)Letts (who wrote of Dame Helen Mirren “blurt[ing] out filth like an uneducated trollop.”), that they indicate a lack of education, intellect or imagination. To those, I present some of my favourite words: Cackle. Hoodwink. Loquacious. Pusillanimous. Vernacular. Galumph. Because, if using a singular monosyllabic curse is unimaginative, or unladylike, then maybe we should dress it up a little. Put a metaphorical tiara on that obscenity, if it’s so deeply unfeminine. – 

So why would a well read and well educated modern woman feel the need to use profanity? Perhaps it is because I am well read and educated.

mark-twain-quote-when-angry-count-to-four-when-very-angry-swearwhoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch
vacant common-kissing coxcomb!
mammering weak-hinged canker-blossom!
currish shard-borne maggot-pie!
clouted fat-kidneyed foot-licker!
quailing lean-witted bladder!
William Shakespeare

In th’ isle of Britain, long since famous grown
For breeding the best cunts in Christendom,
There reigns, and oh! long may he reign and thrive,
The easiest King and best-bred man alive.
Him no ambition moves to get renown
Like the French fool, that wanders up and down
Starving his people, hazarding his crown.
Peace is his aim, his gentleness is such,
And love he loves, for he loves fucking much.
John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester

Choose us. Choose life. Choose mortgage payments; choose washing machines; choose cars; choose sitting oan a couch watching mind-numbing and spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fuckin junk food intae yir mooth. Choose rotting away, pishing and shiteing yersel in a home, a total fuckin embarrassment tae the selfish, fucked-up brats ye’ve produced. Choose life.
– Trainspotting, by Irvine Welsh

And maybe, just maybe there are a few really good reasons for women to swear.

images-21Women have far better things to do than express their frustration in a way that’s pleasing to patriarchal values. Today’s most offensive swear word comes from what’s between our legs – so surely we should best how to use it?
Caitlin Moran“I personally have a cunt. Sometimes it’s ‘flaps’ or ‘twat’, but most of the time, it’s my cunt. Cunt is a proper, old, historic, strong word. I like that my fire escape also doubles up as the most potent swearword in the English language. Yeah. That’s how powerful it is, guys. If I tell you what I’ve got down there, old ladies and clerics might faint. I like how shocked people are when you say ‘cunt’. It’s like I have a nuclear bomb in my pants, or a tiger, or a gun.

Compared to this the most powerful swear word men have got out of their privates is ‘dick’, which is frankly vanilla… I love that ‘cunt’ stands, on its own, as the supreme unvanquishable word. It has almost mystic resonance. It is a cunt – we all know it’s a cunt – but we can’t call it a cunt. We can’t say the actual word. It’s too powerful…”― Caitlin MoranHow to Be a Woman

 

Beyond classical literature, feminist empowerment, fighting the fuckwitted patriarchy there are many good reasons to swear.

TOP TEN REASONS TO SWEAR LIKE A LADY

  1. It’s fun and it can be funny. Try saying badger-shagging spunk monkey without at least a smirk.
  2. It makes TV shows and movies more engaging. Who doesn’t love Samuel L. Fucking Jackson? More profanity equals more viewers. Not shitting you – Ask Monika Bednarek senior lecturer in linguistics at the University of Sydney, ‘The Wire’ outranked other comparable shows because it “averaged more than 100 instances of profanity per episode”
  3. It improves communication. By swearing, we not only communicate the meaning of a sentence but also our emotional reaction to it. It clearly lets someone know if they need to back off without having to resort to physical violence, and nobody wants to mess up a manicure when a well placed “back off you fucktarded asshat” will do.
  4. It’s more persuasive. Studies have shown that swearing can increase the effectiveness and persuasiveness of a message. It is an intense, succinct and powerful way of expressing yourself. Ever read Go the Fuck to Sleep? It’s succinct.
  5. It increases pain tolerance. Stub your toe and see how effective Rats! feels compared to Sweet muppity mother of Christ!!! Also, there are like 5 billion studies by real scientists backing this up. No, I’m not fucking linking all them, JFGI yourself. Okay, here’s one.
  6. It correlates with a higher vocabulary. No, I did not just make this up, read this published the journal of Language Science. They concluded the people who could recall a lot of swear words also tended to be more eloquent in general.
  7. It’s good for you. Health benefits of swearing include increased circulation, elevated endorphins, and an overall sense of calm, control, and well-being.
  8. It means you’re creative. Fuck can be used as a noun, verb, adverb, adjective and interjection and it still makes fucking sense.
  9. It’s cheaper than therapy and makes you feel better immediately.
  10. It makes you feel stronger and more resilient.

Really that’s what is comes down to. Being a lady in this world does not mean we have to censor ourselves from all of the beautiful terms of endearment like “shitgibbon” and “hellbeast” and “thunder donkey snot eater.”

Speaking of increased vocabulary, there are many British terms one can substitute and sound more cultured than crude. For example – “Yer fulla shite ye feckin’ arsehole” is a fancier way of saying “You’re full of shit you fucking asshole”. Options people, you always have options.

Creative swearing aside, I still know how to behave in polite society. I will not go all Pulp Fiction in front of your kids or when I meet your mother, unless she starts it, then we’ll probably get along famously.  I am in complete control of my vocabulary, and would only say ‘fucknuggets’ when it is truly warranted. I have never said “shitgoose” or “Jesus Christ monkey balls” at church or a PTA meeting. 

 

Just in case you were looking to expand your swearing vocabulary I’ve added some of my favourites, guaranteed to fill any swear jar

jerkwater
jerkpants
sassy jerk pants
quim
bitchenator
dickwhistle thundertwat
Sugar tits
Clusterfuck
Twat waffle
Motherfuckinator
Assclown
Silly Bunt
Turd burglar
Sweet muppity Christ
Fucktard
Fuckwit
Son of a shit biscuit
Wanker (what one does before tossing)
Tosser (what one does after a wank)
Interminable suck bastard
spank wanker
Holy filet of fuck-minion
Fucknuggets
Fuckstockings
Knob, knobend, knobhead, knobber
Ass jar
Ass hat
Gobshite
Shitehawk
Bag o’ shite
Bollocks
Cack-Handed (full of shite)
Bellend (head of a penis)
Bibbity bobity poop sac
Bastardised fuckwitted vagina captain
Flatulent bottom feeding wrangler
Monkey wanker
Bollocks
Sod Off
Feck Off
Hell’s own bunghole.
Badger-shagging spunk monkey
Bum tumpet
Fiery flagon of dragon toss

and from Christopher Moore’s “Fool”

“She can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, can’t she, sir?”

“You whoreson scalawag!” said I. “You flesh-turd dropped stinking from the poxy arsehole of a hare-lipped harlot!”

“Oh, we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance, leaking life until we collapse, flaccid, into our own despair..”

“Love? Sodding, bloody, tossing, bloody, sodding, bloody love? Irrelevant, superfluous, bloody, ruddy, rotten, sodding love? What ho? Wherefore? What the f*ck? Love?”

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don’t you dare settle

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And you do. Settle that is. I am freakin’ fabulous at settling, I could write a book on settling, those commercials about the ‘settlers’? I was the inspiration for them (I may or may not have a slightly elevated opinion of my own influence, but you get the idea), because you know what’s scary? Change is scary, it is fucking terrifying. Staying and settling for something that is less than we deserve, settling for a version of ourselves is easier than pushing for what we are capable of.

Settling.
Don’t do it. Don’t you DARE.

A student was trying to decide if she should buy a pair of yoga pants and said “I don’t know, I’m getting divorced and I need to lose weight.”

20160414_151558-01.jpegWe talked.

She decided she wanted the pants and that cupcakes were awesome as a food group, and also that she was freaking fabulous just the was she was. Dammit. And she is, that was always a given.

Here’s the thing. You are already freaking awesome, you are already absolutely gorgeous, you are already utterly fabulous. You were BORN awesome, gorgeous and fabulous. Somewhere along the line the world, your family, your friends, TV, media, The Donald fucking Trump have told you otherwise.

THIS IS BULLSHIT. Do not settle for this bullshit. Settling, while it seems the path of least resistance initially, will come back and bite you in the ass, HARD, one day.

When someone tears you down it is a reflection of their own inner demons that they are trying to quiet by projecting on you. Do NOT listen to them. DO NOT give them one goddamn second of your consideration. 

Do you know what makes you beautiful, sexy, fabulous, awesome? Here’s a clue, it’s not your fucking pant, bra, or dress size, or the colour of your hair, skin, or eyes, it’s not the labels you’ve been given about yourself. It  abso-fucking-lutely is not your appearance.

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Roald Dahl has this shit figured out decades ago. The quote is from his book The Twits.

What he said. Sunbeams people, mother-fucking sunbeams, out of your face, out of your ass. That’s what you’ve got when you think good thoughts. Kindness is the new black, Kindness, Compassion, Confidence, are what make you beautiful. And it really makes absolutely zero difference what your pant size is, if you’ve got a big nose (got that), crooked teeth (ditto), what makes you sexy, fabulous, awesome, beautiful comes from inside you.

What you do with your external appearance is up to you. Like the look of eyelash extensions, then GET SOME! Want a different hair colour, texture, style, then CHANGE IT. Like those yoga pants? BUY THEM. But don’t do these things to because they will make you beautiful, they will not affect that, but if they work as  an expression of yourself, as a way to express the beauty you already have, then damn the torpedoes and GO FOR IT. Don’t do anything to your appearance, to your life to try and please some external force, a person, an idea, a set of labels that society is trying to hang around your neck to define you and pigeon hole you by. This will make you miserable and you will lose your sunbeams.

Fuck all of that, absolutely all of it. Let that shit go.
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“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”

― Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

So put it down. Look at yourself, where are you settling? Why are you doing that? Then do the scary thing, the terrifying thing and change it.

“You are what you settle for.” Do not settle for anything less than your innate gorgeous, awesome, beautiful and sexy self.