No, it is too much. Let me sum up:
- No, I did not just have hip replacement surgery – that happened in 2009.
- My 2009 hip replacement gave me heavy metal poisoning in my blood, bones, muscles and connective tissue. Especially in my Left hip. My Left hip really was the BIG winner poisoning wise.
- I should make a movie called My Left Hip, or in Canada – My Tragically Left Hip.
- Like super wtf levels of cobalt and chromium, in my blood – good thing they don’t do any harm or cause cancer, or tissue death… or anything.
- So, I had super fun hip REVISION surgery (what you get after your hip replacement surgery goes real bad) in Jan 2017 (yes, almost 2 years ago, time flies when you’re in pain)
- The top of my Left femur is gone, my pelvis had to be grafted with cadaver bone. The muscles, tendons, and ligaments of my Left hip are mostly dead (or all dead, depending who you talk to).
- Because of #2, #4, #6 & #7, there are not enough muscles etc to keep my leg bone in my hip socket. This kinda sucks (except use the word REALLY instead of kinda for better accuracy).
- Hip dislocations hurt more than a lot, like a bazillion time more than a lot. Like worse than labour and delivery. Not kidding, even slightly.
- My left hip has dislocated 5 times. Aside, they are now hiring 12year olds to be paramedics. Not that I care just as long as they have the pain medicine and can get me to a hospital, just an observation. Also, some ER docs are great and some are… not as great. Just saying, but at least they’ve all been over 12.
- Yes, I have a lawyer. We just filed suit. No, there won’t be much of a settlement, possibly none.
- Yes, I’ve seen lots of specialists and had 2nd, 3rd, and 4th opinions. The most specialest of the specialists says ‘sucks to be you’ and you have to have this super sucky revision of the revision surgery (like Bride of Revision surgery… almost, okay. not.) that will cost billions and make getting off a toilet challenging, and the floor is right out.
- I don’t like orthopedic surgeons anymore.
- Yes, I tried MAYO, they said no – twice.
- I still have heavy metal blood poisoning. No, there is nothing to do about it except wait till it goes away all on its own.
- Dr. Specialest of the Specialists says you’re not getting any better and just have the super sucky surgery or don’t even try to talk to me again. Really.
- I’m really not a fan of this guy (wait, all of the ortho guys are about the same, so ditto lack of affection in their collective and general directions).
- I don’t want the surgery – I like being able to use a toilet, car and getting up and down on the floor.
- I just got Stem Cells in My Left Hip (Tragically Left Hip in Canada).
- My Right Hip has the same problem that caused me to need my Left hip replaced in 2009.
- They want to do hip replacement surgery on my Right hip.
- Wanna guess how I feel about that?
- I just got Step Cells in my Right hip, because F that surgery.
- Nobody wants to watch my Stem Cell video or pictures because 8″ long needles.
- I think it’s really cool, but okay, fine I won’t post it here.
- I have three sets of crutches.
- No, I’m not using them for attention.
- I limp. Sometimes on both legs because it’s difficult to tell which leg will hurt/wobble etc. I pretend like it’s interpretive dance.
- I got ‘sorta-dumped’ because of limp – to be fair it was 15mins into a first date and he said he couldn’t hang with a gimp, and got up and left me holding my coffee, so that was fun.
- Yes, I can teach yoga on a crutch. I can even teach yoga in Cook County Jail on crutches and in a leg corset on Halloween because I’m a stubborn sort of person.
- I got told to NOT bring my crutchy self into two separate yoga studios, because yoga students can’t handle a teacher on a crutch (just like 15min first date dude) and should not be subjected to that sort of trauma. Thank goodness for yoga in jail.
- I have two walkers.
- Ditto about attention.
- Guess what I can do – Life Coaching, Personal Training, Yoga teaching, Sound Therapying, Light Therapying, Aromatherapying …. write ridiculously long blog posts, sarcasm and art.
- Guess what I can’t do – practice yoga (well just vinyasa … and fusion… and Bikram… and hatha…), also can’t sit cross-legged – sukhasana free zone here.
- I have one leg corset that Dr Super Sucky Specialest Specialist says I have to wear for 6 weeks, even when I’m sleeping.
- I took it off after two weeks because this.
- Are you still reading these?
- Awesome, you’re the best.
- I really mean that.
- That’s about it. Thanks for walking my dog, bringing me groceries for the last two years, and making it possible for me to get stem cells, you know who you are and I love you a lot.
- I bet I’m the first person to make a photo collage of their hip dislocations. #EarlyAdopter.
You’re better off without #29. I’m sorry you have to endure all of this. There’s a website that sells colorful crutches. Mine are purple. Not that you need more. But fun colors are fun. Also, I think you’re fucking amazing.
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He went by Buddy, a nickname I use for Fezzik, so yes, I’m better off without him!