Monthly Archives: November 2018

Nov16

don’t waste my time, Honey Cakes

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tumblr_m2x2xyu1fc1roujg8o1_500I know these guys who do car maintenance, brakes, transmissions that sort of thing, but NOT oil changes. That’s what they told me anyway. Very clearly, no oil changes, they’re just not set up to do that, you know? No problem, they fixed my brakes, it was great. Did I mention they were really nice guys? Turns out they are super duper extra nice with a cherry on top, and will do oil changes for you if you’re young and hot and wearing heels and shorts. Apparently sensible Tom’s, being over 30 and of somewhat average attractiveness disqualifies you for this option. Fortunately Jiffy Lube will change your oil no matter how sensible your footwear is, and doesn’t even care a little bit if you wear slightly baggy capris and don’t have your navel pierced. Which is a huge relief for all women of simply acceptable and substandard attractiveness. Jiffy Lube will even offer you coffee if you aren’t wearing makeup or have your hair pulled up because it’s hot, dammit.

chris hemsworth

If you don’t look like this, Honey Cakes don’t waste my time

It’s not that I mind. Really. I understand. If if were up to me I would only teach young, shirtless men who were muscular, super attractive, with lots of money, because, let’s be honest, who has time for any man over 30? Honestly I can’t imagine how they have the nerve to go out, much less show up for a yoga class. But I teach for a studio that allows any man, and I mean ANY man to practice. We will let men who are over 40, 50, hell even over 60 into our classes and practice yoga. There are men who do not have clearly defined six packs allowed to go shirtless, men who have more than 20% body fat, men without defined biceps and lats, men with skinny legs, men who are overweight…. actually overweight in my yogGlenfiddich Presents Dressed To Kilt - Arrivalsa classes. Balding men. Out with their bare heads in public. Nobody wants to look at that. Unless you’re Sean Connery you have no business being bald. And I’m expected to be just as friendly and nice to them.

So I get it guys. It’s your little side business and you have standards. You should have standards. You don’t  want just any woman to think she is worthy of being treated equally. That stuff sounds great in theory, but in practice if you’re not selective you could end up spending your valuable time and expertise with someone who thinks it’s okay to go out without makeup, without shaving/waxing/bleaching/plucking/lasering/dying every hair on her body. There are women out there that actually expect you to talk to them when they’re not wearing a super uncomfortable pushup bra and lacy thong. Don’t fall for it. A woman who won’t contort, torture and mold herself into narrow societal norms for female attractiveness is not a woman you should be associating with. Period.

Me, I have to treat men equally, I’m like Jiffy Lube. If it were up to me I would only teach shirtless firefighters. One day.  When I have my own studio.

Sexy-Firemen-Picture

 

Nov14

Let Me ‘Splain…

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not what you think it’s for

No, it is too much. Let me sum up:

  1. No, I did not just have hip replacement surgery – that happened in 2009.
  2. My 2009 hip replacement gave me heavy metal poisoning in my blood, bones, muscles and connective tissue. Especially in my Left hip. My Left hip really was the BIG winner poisoning wise.
  3. I should make a movie called My Left Hip, or in Canada – My Tragically Left Hip.
  4. Like super wtf levels of cobalt and chromium, in my blood – good thing they don’t do any harm or cause cancer, or tissue death…  or anything.
  5. Wait…
  6. So, I had super fun hip REVISION surgery (what you get after your hip replacement surgery goes real bad) in Jan 2017 (yes, almost 2 years ago, time flies when you’re in pain)
  7. The top of my Left femur is gone, my pelvis had to be grafted with cadaver bone. The muscles, tendons, and ligaments of my Left hip are mostly dead (or all dead, depending who you talk to).
  8. Because of #2, #4, #6 & #7, there are not enough muscles etc to keep my leg bone in my hip socket. This kinda sucks (except use the word REALLY instead of kinda for better accuracy).
  9. Hip dislocations hurt more than a lot, like a bazillion time more than a lot. Like worse than labour and delivery. Not kidding, even slightly.
  10. My left hip has dislocated 5 times. Aside, they are now hiring 12year olds to be paramedics. Not that I care just as long as they have the pain medicine and can get me to a hospital, just an observation. Also, some ER docs are great and some are… not as great. Just saying, but at least they’ve all been over 12.
  11. Yes, I have a lawyer. We just filed suit. No, there won’t be much of a settlement, possibly none.
  12. Yes, I’ve seen lots of specialists and had 2nd, 3rd, and 4th opinions. The most specialest of the specialists says ‘sucks to be you’ and you have to have this super sucky revision of the revision surgery (like Bride of Revision surgery… almost, okay. not.) that will cost billions and make getting off a toilet challenging, and the floor is right out.
  13. I don’t like orthopedic surgeons anymore.
  14. Yes, I tried MAYO, they said no – twice.
  15. I still have heavy metal blood poisoning. No, there is nothing to do about it except wait till it goes away all on its own.
  16. Dr. Specialest of the Specialists says you’re not getting any better and just have the super sucky surgery or don’t even try to talk to me again. Really.
  17. I’m really not a fan of this guy (wait, all of the ortho guys are about the same, so ditto lack of affection in their collective and general directions).
  18. I don’t want the surgery – I like being able to use a toilet, car and getting up and down on the floor.
  19. I just got Stem Cells in My Left Hip  (Tragically Left Hip in Canada).
  20. My Right Hip has the same problem that caused me to need my Left hip replaced in 2009.
  21. They want to do hip replacement surgery on my Right hip.
  22. Wanna guess how I feel about that?
  23. I just got Step Cells in my Right hip, because F that surgery.
  24. Nobody wants to watch my Stem Cell video or pictures because 8″ long needles.
  25. I think it’s really cool, but okay, fine I won’t post it here.
  26. I have three sets of crutches.
  27. No, I’m not using them for attention.
  28. I limp. Sometimes on both legs because it’s difficult to tell which leg will hurt/wobble etc. I pretend like it’s interpretive dance.
  29. I got ‘sorta-dumped’ because of limp – to be fair it was 15mins into a first date and he said he couldn’t hang with a gimp, and got up and left me holding my coffee, so that was fun.
  30. Yes, I can teach yoga on a crutch. I can even teach yoga in Cook County Jail on crutches and in a leg corset on Halloween because I’m a stubborn sort of person.
  31. I got told to NOT bring my crutchy self into two separate yoga studios, because yoga students can’t handle a teacher on a crutch (just like 15min first date dude) and should not be subjected to that sort of trauma. Thank goodness for yoga in jail.
  32. I have two walkers.
  33. Ditto about attention.
  34. Guess what I can do – Life Coaching, Personal Training, Yoga teaching, Sound Therapying, Light Therapying, Aromatherapying …. write ridiculously long blog posts, sarcasm and art.
  35. Guess what I can’t do – practice yoga (well just vinyasa … and fusion… and Bikram… and hatha…), also can’t sit cross-legged – sukhasana free zone here.
  36. I have one leg corset that Dr Super Sucky Specialest Specialist says I have to wear for 6 weeks, even when I’m sleeping.
  37. I took it off after two weeks because this.
  38. Are you still reading these?
  39. Awesome, you’re the best.
  40. I really mean that.
  41. That’s about it. Thanks for walking my dog, bringing me groceries for the last two years, and making it possible for me to get stem cells, you know who you are and I love you a lot.
  42. I bet I’m the first person to make a photo collage of their hip dislocations. #EarlyAdopter.
ouch
more ouch
continuing with the ouch theme
labels and junk
ouch for the win
Nov10

And One F@cking Leg Corset

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And One F@cking Leg Corset

It had snowed and I couldn’t get my foot into my boot because of the fucking leg corset.

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Boots

That’s how yesterday started. It finished with a $2,025 puncture in each hip and chakra workshop. Just a regular Friday.

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You would think if I was going to pay someone over $4,000, pull my pants down, and let them take pictures and a video I would have walked away with something rather exciting and completely unsuitable for this family-friendly blog. I’m not completely ruling out such experiences, but that’s another post.

 

Snow
Yep, snow.

So. Yesterday was approximately 4years in the making. It started with our hero as a fearless badass yoga teacher, it involved:

    • Twelve Burly ER dudes
    • Eleven ER visits
    • Ten Shots of Fentanyl
    • Nine Thousand Needles
    • Eight Hundred X-Rays
    • Seven Special Lawyers
    • Six Ortho Surgeons
    • FIVE Ambulance Rides (with Hip dislocations)
    • Four Pitiless PTs
    • Three Sets of Crutches
    • Two Chiropractors
    • And One Fucking Leg Corset

 

I know, now you’ve got a Christmas song stuck in your head. Sorry. Who am I kidding? Totally not, sorry, cuz it’s kinda catchy. You’re welcome.

The story is not over, but our hero through it all remained a Badass yoga teacher and also managed to complete a 500Hour Yoga Teacher Training, a Personal Training Certification, a Life Coaching Certification, a Trauma-Informed Yoga Training, Mother Fucking Firewalked with Tony Robbins, started teaching in Cook County Jail (occasionally on crutches with aforementioned fucking leg corset), got sacked 1.5 times, hired 10+ times, broke up 5x, got back together 4x, and continues to have fabulous adventures and hang with a bodacious bunch of Badasses.

 

Wings
This kid
Bones, for the win
Fancy clothes
These students
Actually teaching
Sidekick
I got this
THESE students
The Jail
F@cking Leg Corset

There’s more, so much more, so you’ll have to stay tuned if you want to hear about the Mustang Convertible in Arizona, Osteostrong, Several Sets of Wings, Art, Truffle fries and Hamilton.

Till then, Namaste (bitches).