Swear to God, when I was 18 and 19 years old, I thought I would be handed a playbook, or a key, or knowledge would just magically appear in my brain when I turned 20. Just like that, one day a kid who knew nothing, and then BOOM! instant adult, ALL questions answered. Also, my skin would clear up.

Imagine my profound disappointment. Maybe 20 was unrealistic, but surely 30?

I was raised to think that ‘adults’ knew everything, that ‘adults’ never questioned things because at some magical ‘adult’ age all the answers simply landed in their brains. I am not making this up. I really thought, well into my 30s that I had missed the important download of ‘adultness’ and that everyone else had this shit figured out and I was the only one who was just flying by the seat of my pants.

Things I have still not figured out:

• low maintenance hair
• clear skin
• walking in heels – gracefully
• how to file (neatly)
• spell words with all the right letters, in the right order
• money, the part where I earn it and spend it only on responsible and prudent things, save for vacations,  and not say,  on another low maintenance hair product
• how to paint my toenails (neatly)
  

  professionally done

• how to store art supplies (neatly)
• not worry if these pants make my ass look flat/fat/good/not good, or if this shirt/bra makes my boobs look less pathetic/perky/worth noticing, and does my hair work with this outfit, or should I scrap the whole look and start over? Never mind, starting over…
• Plastic surgery, worth it for my floundering self esteem, or shameless vanity that I should find beneath me
• how to Ohm properly, or pronounce Sanskrit words
• how to remember and pronounce 90% of people’s names
• men. I haven’t a clue. I know I’m okay looking , reasonably intelligent, and also men like the hair,  but I keep ending up with a different version of the exact same guy
• how to fake enthusiasm when I give zero fucks (zero fucks blog link)
• eyebrows, pluck, wax, tattoo….
• how to ‘stand up and greet your neighbour!’ without wanting to vomit into my purse first, or crawl away secretly underneath the chairs
• get to bed at a reasonable time
• making soup, eatable soup
• fly kites
• remove contact lens
• read bad poetry – I can’t even

What I can do reasonable well:

• doodle/draw/paint for hours upon hours 
• fold socks and towels in an organized and orderly fashion
• make my bed
• teach yoga
• make people laugh
• tip well
• playing cribbage in an unsportsmanlike but entertaining manner, or as we like to say, 31 ….. Bitch..
• jigsaw puzzles
• watch movies
• cook and bake, not counting soup
• eating – I’m super good at eating
• drinking coffee, but I’m really fussy…
• dressing up and passing for an elegant intelligent woman for entire evenings at a time
• being generally half decent to peole
• supported fish pose – I totally rock this pose
• staying calm when things get crazy
• getting a massage – so good at this
• dessert
• rationalizing reasons to eat dessert
• sleeping in  contact lens
• drive a stick shift

Ultimately, I don’t have a clue. I am making everything up as a go. I suppose this is okay, but the skin not clearing up, I’m still pissed about that.